"When I read this book I felt dirty. When I was done I went and watched football."

-Lindsey

"Eric, I'm grading your paper."
"You're getting a beeper?"

-Sammi & Eric

"Don't you follow ANY of the social norms dictating behavior?"

-Mr. Scott, talking to Talan

"What is it very important to do when we're talking about thermodynamics?"
"Sleep?"

-Mr. Scott & Talan

"Ya know mom, it's really fuckin' hard to focus your Chi when everybody in town is in OUR damn house doing shit!"

-Talan

"Why does her head look like a bus?"

-Ryan

"Josh, you take German, right?"
"...Yes."
"I need, spelled right, Return Shakespeare or the flag goes."

-Mrs. Clesson, Resse & Mrs. Clesson

"I'm not a sexist! I just play one in real life!"

-Resse

"You just don't like us 'cause we're Chinese!"

-Adam Bonjour

"What's wrong with Kellie?"
"Nothing."
"Stephanie, you're not allowed to ask him that."
"Yes I am."
"Well then, what's wrong with Eric?"
"Everything."

-Stephanie, Doug, & Kellie

"Jeff Holbrook actually has a girlfriend."
"Really? What's his name?"

-Kellie & Santa Claus

"I'll be right back."
"I'll hold my breath."
"I've done that before..."

-Jenni, Resse, & Megan

"She's a freshman, she can't even spell erection!"

-Lazarus

"What does Rehan mean again? Pleasant smell?"

-Mrs. Clesson

"Oh... there may be naguhty parts on this."

-Mr. Neuleib

"How's your car doing?"
"It's doing pretty bad, but you should see the train."

-Resse & Josh

"Germany was getting it from both sides."

-Mr. Neuleib

"I know very little Mexican."

-Mr. Neuleib

"Hi... um, is that a good beer?"

-Mr. Neuleib

"Well you've gotta understand Jo, it was a metaphor for my dick."

-Talan

"What are you, the No-Food-in-Stroud police?"

-Kellie

"I'm sitting on the biggest fault line this side of the Mississippi."

-Bruss

"If you got one, I want to see it."

-K-Dog

"For a second I thought it was Sammi, then I realized Sammi's not made out of cardboard."

-Resse

"What's going on?"
"I can't button my pants."

-Sammi & Resse

"I don't want to go on."

-Ryan

"That's not what you said last night."

-Ryan

"In your pants?"

-Mike

"I don't remember who I've been saying 'lick my nuts' to lately."

-Willy

"If you were a little shorter you could hold me over his head."

-Willy

"Uh-oh. Will's here so now they're going to play bad music."

-Talan

"You--Bedroom--Now!"
"What are you guys going to talk about?"

-Gnois & Lazarus

"Hey Josh?"
"Yes?"
"I need to take a piss."
"That's what I'm doing."
"Wanna swordfight?"

-Gnosis, Resse, Gnois, Resse & Gnosis

"How many copies should I make?"
"Twenty-five!"
"Really? That's a good number."

-Sarah Weiss, Resse & Sarah

"Why would anyone want to spend time alone when they could spend time with me?"

-Lexi

"Thank you, Adam Bruss, for telling me what I wanted to hear."

-Kellie

"Your brother's a penis."

-Mike Manjarrez

"I have formulated a plan, and it involves Josh."

-David Nolen

"This is David, and that's you. David wouldn't hurt a fly and you might rip its wings off for kicks."

-Resse

"I am the Sacred Doorstop."

-Resse

"I feel fat."

-Resse

"Aren't you that guy that was wearing makeup the other day?"
"Yes, why?"
"Do you suck DICK?"
"Why, are you so bad at it your boyfriend asked you to go get lessons?"
"Fuck you!"

-Dumb Jock, Talan, Jock, Talan, and Jock

"You know you want me."
"Duuuh."

-Talan & Alyssa

"THAT'S THE WORST COMIC I'VE EVER READ!!! GOD DAMMIT!!!"

-Dennis

"How's the love life?"
"Fan-fucking-tastic."
"Don't the blades hurt?"
"Yes."

-Talan, Talan's boss, Talan, & boss

"There's a movie accompanied with this. And here it is."

-Bigtoe

"I don't make fun of anybody, except those idiots over there."

-Mr. Brumley

"You know, there are programs to replace Josh."

-Bigtoe

"Tell me the meaning of being ugly."

-Little B

"Maybe someone that needs it will find it."
"That's true. Like the janitor."

-Lindsay & Shireen

"I was a sperm."

-Lexi

"Where does it come from?"
"It comes from having sex with an infected partner."
"Okay, Shireen, don't be a smart ass."

-Dustin, Shireen & Dustin

"I always wanted to play the piano, I'll have to get lessons over the summer. I'd just ask Anne to teach me, but you know, I don't really want to be around Anne that much."
"Yeah. Hey! Quit sucking on my neck, I'm trying to practice!"

-Talan & Gnosis

"Is this, like, and ass-doughnut or something?"

-Talan

"No see, I have excellent taste. It's just that sometimes I choose to ignore it."
"Like when you chose your outfit this morning?"
"Exactly."

-Talan, Mrs. Kelley, & Talan

"Yeah, I guess being too tall is my problem. I should just lop off my legs at mid-shin and get prosthesies. Then I could be shorter and get a height complex like you."
"Exactly. ... wait, I do NOT have a height complex!"

-Talan & Emily

"If it were 5 pages longer I would have cried."

-Meghan Turnis

"That's right, all children should live in fear."

-Talan

"That stuff's good. I've had that."
"See."
"Look at her! ... Look in the mirror and you still eat that?"

-Angie, David & Bruce

"Somone annexed my bookbag."

-Willy

"Why are you eyeing my hand like that?"
"I'm hungry."

-Resse & Kirsten

"Would I enjoy it?"
"Maybe..."
"It is with her?"
"Yes."
"Then I won't enjoy it."

-David, Resse, David, Resse & David

"I have something for you. Stick this in your ear."

-BigToe

"Some things should be eaten warm."

-Emily

"Caught off guard? ... I wanna order."

-Emily

"What do you do back there?"
"I move shit."

-Doug & Resse

"No, that would be water choloride."

-Resse

"d00d, put the phone down right."
"Micky Mouse!"

-BigToe & Resse

"Does anyone remember where we left off?"
"Um ... did you rewind it?"

-Student Teacher & Josh

"Actually I want to change my name to Josh XYZ and then claim I'm a triangle."

-Resse

"OK, so am I out of the K-doghouse yet?"

-K-Dog

"Oh my god, I'm a Gipper."

-K-Dog

"Do you ever lose things that are sitting right in front of you?"
"Like my dick?"

-Lisa Anne & Resse

"Sammi is no longer a girl, Josh."
"What?"
"We have excommunicated her."

-Kat, Resse & Kat

"Man, I gotta run by band camp tonight because it's the only night I'm going to get to."

-Talan

"Okay, I'm going to experiment. I'm going to wear my Thespian shirt and see if any of them know what theater is."

-Talan

"It makes me look like a jap or a gook or a chink or something."

-Dan

"I left a message with that butt pirate Todd."

-Lazarus

"Hey, what are you doing?"
"Trying to get rid of the penis smell."

-Some freshman & Talan

"d00d, I saw Chad the other day."

-Ariste

"Man, after this I need to go strecth out. My ass is dead."
"I'll stretch your ass out for ya!" [pause] "Didn't anybody else think that was funny?"
"Man, that was so wrong."

-Alex, Talan & John

"Hey, do you have any USB mice with the rolltab?"
"I hope USB dies a swift death and then burns in hell."

-Talan & Computer Renaissance's Manager

"I come bearing frankincense and myrrh." [pause] "Well, not really, but I have a splitter cable."
"d00d, sweet."

-Kevin & Bob

"d00d, I need a girl that can yodel while she gives head."

-Talan

"Wouldn't you like to be a pepper, too?"

-Big Toe

"Be-cky..."
"Want a condom?"

-Sammi & Becky

"Do you want to come over and watch Josh play Final Fantasy?"

-Talan

"You look like Jesus."

-Liz

"Todd Presson: Responsible Adult. How does it feel?"
"Feels expensive."

-Resse & Talan

[burp] "I'm fat."

-Stick

"She's not some fuckin' pansy music chick, like Sammi. It's a fuckin' hardcore gamer chick."

-Ariste

"Take it easy."
"What is that supposed to mean??"

-Resse & Christi

"Anyone want to see "What Lies Beneath" with me??"
"I'd like to see what lies beneath you. Oh, wait. Yeah, sure."

-Kat & Stick

"My desk is cheap."
"Well, where would you rather be when the world explodes?"
"An expensive desk."

-BigToe, Stick & BigToe