"You got the fugly, ain't nobody else got it."

-Shelley

"Laura, go into your room and look at your Christmas present."
"I don't want to."

-Richard & Laura

"I don't have any copper pieces."

-Stick

"I detect NPC."

-Stick

"Go in peace, serve the Lord."
"Josh, you're cool."

-Stick & Laura

"You haven't even seen it, Chris."
"Josh, that line never works on anyone."

-Stick & Richard

"No man, I'm ugly. Fat, hairy, big-nosed, Italian/Mexican looking, greasy haired, walking anachronism."
"At least you have a high self esteem."
"I gotta go in public like this."

-Zod & Stick

"Well, you have my blessing. Rock out with your cock out all over Chicagoland."

-Kelli

"You ever know what the hell happened to my alarm clock?"

-Chris

"Drive safe."
"I don't think I'll be driving for a couple more days.."
"Well then keep warm."

-Corey & Stick

"I wonder if anyone else on earth drinks as much milk as you do."

-Laura

"That's the major difference, except for cultural differences in how men and women are raised, is the dick."

-The White Stick

"Hey Josh, I shattered my heel in house management..."

-Richard

"Ah, I see. The sex doesn't go with the gardening."

-Prof. Schneider

"I've got random people yelling at me from balconies about projections!"

-Richard

"Why don't you write me a note and have me pass it to her during lunch?'"

-Chris

"It's like asking my dog to teach me how to lick my nuts.'"

-Chris

"Wherever there's a truck to load. He'll be there. Fucking it up."

-Richard

"Okay, here's my issue at the moment. I figured that since we didn't have any plans we weren't going. So I threw all of my socks into the washing machine about twenty mintues ago."

-Stick

"We're going to have fun."
"No matter the cost!"

-Michelle & Stick

"This is too big. It intimidates me."

-Laura

"I'm not a real man."
"I know."

-Stick & Laura

"We don't have Wal-Mart here."

-Alison

"A lighting designer with no lights. You are a visionary."

-Richard

"Say, 'Look, Steve, you're ugly and fat.'"
"Steve's not ugly."

-Stick & Laura

"Never mind, I'm stupid."
"Well yeah but im still looking to you for guidance if that tells you anything."

-Stick & Richard

"You find god in a box? A prize for 20 cracker jacks proofs of purchase?"

-Stick

"Who are you calling, bietch?"
"I'm calling Kelli O'Toole."
"I'll call you a tool."

-Chris & Stick

"I inhaled a noodle."

-Laura

"Do you think we should bring the rum?"
"I can't see any reason why not."

-Kelli & Gib

"Did you really go to bed when you said you did last night?"
"Well, I had sex first."

-Stick & Kelli

"She's with Tool Time still?"
"What?"
"That guy. With the saw. Who is short."
"Richard."

-PhiLeR & Stick

"I had a strange night the other day."

-Stick

"I'm gonna go take a leek for peace."

-BigToe

"Let me sit on your lap, I'm scared."

-Laura

"You might be good at having sex, but if you can't pick people up then it's not really worth it. You've gotta be a well rounded person."

-Chris

"You guys are loud."
"That's because we don't cover our mouths."

-Laura & Chris

"Tomorrow I'm going to pay my debts. To soceity and your mother."
"I don't know if you're going to squeek by on that one, you owe her quite a bit of money."

-Stick & Chris

"Hey Josh, this is Katie. I was just calling you to ask you about the gel changes, 'cause you didn't tell me what to tell people. And... what else was I supposed to ask him about?"
"The gel changes."
"I just asked him that."

-Katie Jean and Natalie

"He was also very touchy-feely, he would come up to girls and grab their breasts."
"So would I."

-Stick & Chris

"I thought you were going to use butter to imply that she was easily spread."

-Katie Jean

"Uh-oh, Bret, we lost music."
"Are you serious?"
"Do you hear anything?"
"I hear your dumb ass."

-Stick & PhiLeR

"My ears are still ringing from the excitement."

-Richard

"I can feel my finger and I can feel my dick. And I know that there's a difference."

-Chris

"Your room's kinda clean. That's kinda creepy."

-Allison

"And I hear Dave's a really good lay."
"I don't care, I'm not looking for quality."

-Stick & Shelley

"I'm sorry, Laura you can't be a vegitarian cock sucker."

-Chris

"Yeah, he dropped out of here to train to be a carpenter."
"A theatre carpenter?"
"No, a real one."

-Stick & Chris

"I've got a stroke-bot. It likes to stroke my cock while I'm playing, makes me aim better."
"No, it's called Josh, d00d."

-Chris & Jason

"You're not going to find anyone like Ric in cooperate America."
"Sure you will, he'll just be fired for sexual harassment."

-Stick & Chris

"I've been making fun of the French long before he was elected president."
"Yeah, but it's not cool now."

-Stick & Emily Jane

"Yeah, my connection's all screwy today."
"You're supposed to clean it after you use it."

-Stick & Ric

"Also Gilbert is leaving."
"Are you serious? Where's Chris going?"
"I guess he got a TD job. At Columbia College."

-Ric & Stick

"Map of Michigan, la la la. Now if you need to go anywhere you can look."

-Kelli

"This isn't even what the show looks like! He and he don't stand together!"

-Kelli

"You've giving me a ride home, the least I can do is buy you a drink."

-Shelley

"What do you want from me? The sexiest thing I can do? Make eggs. Naked."

-Kelli

"I don't know, I've never been your foot."

-Shelley

"So we sat down and talked about what we could cut."
"How about our wrists? We could do that right now."

-Shelley & Stick

"Would you shut up? I'm making our house a home."

-Kelli

"How come I don't think that's funny?"
"Because you're not on the way up."

-Stick & Susan

"He's a Southern Baptist. If he was a regular person..."

-Katie Jean

"You know what I like best about the fourth of July?"
"What's that?"
"America!"

-Stick & Kelli

"Your stylie is more to have ... a lot of things on your plate."
"So I go to the buffet?"
"Yeah! All you can eat."

-Kelli & Stick

"I'm a little drunk. I won't lie."

-Kelli

"Did you switch pens on me last night?"
"Yep."

-Stick & Richard

"It's always been the opposite for me. They've always been very proud of everything I've done. 'Shelley wiped her ass today.'"

-Shelley

"I've been trying to work on that smell, but you guys have really got to start peeing in the toliet."

-Rose

"Gee, who's having so much fun over there?"
"The audience. They'll stop once the show starts."

-Liz & Susan

"I hear the lighting was infinitely better than when I saw it."

-Amy

"He's talking, are you listening?"
"What?"

-Susan & Kelli

"Is she one of your roommates?"
"Yeah."
"They're a bunch of freakin' freaks."

-Blow Pop & Laura

"Let's just stick it in and see what happens."
"I can't count the number of times I've said that in my life."

-Jen & Stick

"I'm going to vacuum."

-Chris

"My cheese is warm."

-Stick

"Whatcha doin'?"
"Nothin' much. Talking on MIRC, about pee."

-Stick & Ritter

"That's why I'm drinking; otherwise I'd be sober."

-Jason

"I'm going to go home and say I just watched Chris having gay sex with like twenty guys."

-Jim

"I was wondering why I'm drinking pop when I have beer in the fridge, then I realized, 'Oh yeah, I have homework.'"

-Ryan

"Yeah, tell her to come. And tell her not to bring her cock blockin' friends."

-Chris

"Oh look, here is Josh to tell us the time."
"Five mintues."
"Five mintues? Shit the bed!"

-Christia, Stick & Molly

"Let your friend make a drunken mistake called Mark."

-Mark

"Actually my place is pretty nice, I just don't want them to know where I live."

-Mark

"I was having sex with this girl and I was gettin' fuckin' bored and I wanted to watch Sportscenter."

-Mark

"I could prolly go to the bar and not drink--"
"If you didn't have any money?"

-Stick & Ritter

"I don't think I'm gonna be home any time soon."

-Andrew

"Butt plugs and rum, that's what Josh is to me."

-Rachel

"Hey, where's my cork?"
"Check his ass! Check his ass!"

-Stick & Rachel

"Josh has a crush on Lucrecia."
"No, she's married and has a kid and lives in Seattle."
"That doesn't stop me from lying about it."

-Aaron & Stick

"It might be the crappiest private school ever, but it's still a private school."

-Batman

"Here, Kathy have some penis. You'll feel better."

-PhiLeR

"Josh thinks he's back in prision again."

-Zod

"Theatre is not better than sex."

-Ping

"No I fucking hated it. And when I was done watching it, I yanked the dvd out of the player and snapped it in two while my sister was watching, bawling her eyes out, pleading with me to spare her prized possession."

-Kelli

"Once I got inside everyone started sticking their dick in my face."

-Mary Ann

"Actually, what did you want in the morning?"

-Stick

"You speak DeKalb very well."

-Margaret