"I like to get it up and then slap that shit down."

-Gnosis

"Seventeen? How old do I look?"
"Twenty, but you're hanging out with Chris and you're still living at home."

-Cassy & Stick

"To my parents' house?"
"You can keep him in the closet, he's pretty comfortable there."

-Cassy & Stick

"One time we fucked hard. But we had candles. That's fuckin' romantic."

-Ryan

"Who's got the keys, bitch?"
"Who's got the love, honey pot?"

-Mary Ann & Kentuck

"I think light is a particle and a wave."
"I think Newtonian physics is a bunch of shit."

-Stick & Kristin

"If I could move as well as they can maybe I wouldn't need big words either."

-Margaret

"I think that was some cabbie on cabbie action."

-Stick

"During so-called tech rehearsal."

-Molly

"So we know this compass isn't moving. But what about the moral compass?"
"Of course that's moving. It has to if I'm going to be involved."

-Margaret & Stick

"You know us Asians, right? We can pull your dick off and eat it too."

-Mary Ann

"I'm as liberal as the next college student."

-Batman

"When I say, 'don't laugh at other people's expenses' do you know what I mean?"
"Yeah, it means when people are paying you that you shouldn't laugh at them."

-Mary Ann & Stick

"You said something like you didn't think I was goodie goodie, you just thought I liked black guys."

-Laura

"Kentuck, what do you think this is; some kind of holiday; that you can just stroll in here after noon?"

-Kristin

"I thought it was in LA."
"I thought it was in Atlanta. Where did you think it was?"
"Uh ... New York."
"Good."

-Kentuck, Stick, Kristin & Stick

"Her first baby. Came out sideways. She didn't scream or nothin'."

-Rachel

"Why am I getting all fire places and bathrooms?"

-Aaron

"I speak for the trees because I am the Lorax."

-Batman

"Hey d00d, it's Michelle. Um, I was thinking and all though I don't mind you using my computer I do go to bed at eleven."

-Michelle

"Josh, I could spit on you."

-Snodgrass

"What in the gay hell are we talking about?"
"Prostitution."

-Aaron & Kentuck

"This is the first time I've gotten physically agressive with you."
"Your boobs are touching me!"

-Rachel & Aaron

"Ho my god."

-Stick

"She wasn't good."
"That's okay, neither am I."

-Ryan & Stick

"Play with my hair ... You're no good at this ... I miss my boyfriend!"

-Kristin

"So apparently I give good head."
"That's always a skill to put on the ol' resume."

-Mary Ann & Stick

"Talk to me. Don't talk to him."
"Why can't I talk to him?"
"Because he's the boss."
"But I'm the boss."
"This conversation is over."

-Curtis & Stick

"She is such an idiot today."

-Rachel

"A knife? She better have had a birthday cake in the other hand."

-Batman

"So whatever happened with that girl you were totally infatuated with?"
"Which one?"
"The dancer."
"Which one?"

-Anakin & Stick

"Are we going to the Tasty Freeze? I'm not going to the Tasty Freeze."

-Snodgrass

"She ripped my heart right out. But it made a nice soufflé."
"Yeah, it was good."

-Stick & Laura

"I'll tell you what, I'll give you everything I have for half of what you have. It's kind of like marrage."

-Batman

"Hello."
"Hey baby."
"You're a turd."

-Laura & Stick

"Uuuuuuggghghgh."
"What?"
"The sound of your coming in a vestal virgins mouth."

-Kelli & Stick

"It's under R for retard."
"Oh. That makes sence."

-Stick & Laura

"Blowpop's going to be there. We should have a threesome, Laura."
"We could do that."

-Stick & Laura

"I stick pencils up my ass, just like Karen told us to."

-Katie

"Where you at least eighteen when I first hit on you?"
"I don't think you've ever hit on me."

-Stick & Rosie

"Drunk is better."

-Laura

"You've gotta wear your Mega Man sheets."

-Ritter

"A troll appears in front of you."
"I kill it."

-Stick & Jason

"Then everyone else in the group is hitting on your character, which is kinda creepy when you're a fuckin' grown man."

-Ritter

"Did you piss on my car?"
"I pissed on your car."
"I will fucking kill you! If you piss on my car."

-Jason & Ryan

"I know what we're talking about. We're talking about you fucking Michelle."

-Ritter

"I hope Laura is okay; if you want her to be okay."

-Kentuck

"I'd drop trau for Jesus."

-Stick

"Max? Alright, I'm going to call you Bitch."

-PhiLeR

"Magic is a lot like the Republican Party: Bigots and assholes."

-PhiLeR

"I've got a party this weekend that I'm going to need all my drinking abalites for."

-KI

"Do I know where 18-20 yrs hang out?"
"My bedroom?"

-Jen & Stick

"Mike! Fuck! That number you gave me wasn't a cell phone. I just drunk dialed your ass."

-Stick

"I mean I like ya, but you're the only friend I've got."

-Corey

"Eat me."
"I can't, your hand is in the way. Stop beating off."

-Stick & KI

"That was a great monring, waking up at one and chain smoking 'till we got here."

-Monica

"If you're allergic to apples and I don't care, then I'm probably not going to enjoy having sex with you."

-Stick

"I hear you're working for the Democrats."
"Not anymore I'm not. They don't pay very well. Maybe I should work for the Republicans and just vote Democratic."

-Stick & Batman

"Why are you so amazing?"
"It's all that porn."

-Monica & Stick

"Aaron was right! I am bossy!"

-Laura

"I'm trying to take your tempature."
"You're trying to stick it up my butt."
"It's all in the name of science."

-Stick & Kristin

"That sounds like a mannual."
"And by mannual do you mean get out and push?"

-Stick & Jason

"I don't know how to put things into Submaster P."

-Kirstin

"I might need to barrow some socks. Nicole has all of mine."

-PhiLeR

"So what you're telling me is that she thinks about me when she's having sex."

-Ritter

"I don't know if I can handle that."
"I think you can. Wait, did you gain like fifty pounds?"
"No."
"Then I think you're in ship shape."

-Stick & Mili

"You know, if you look up Fucked In the Ass you'll get a lot more responces than if you look up Bill T Jones."

-Batman

"Can I email you a picture of my butt?"

-Ryan

"Okay, so I'm going to start jerking off. If you guys want to stay here, that's fine. But I'll be jerking off."

-Ritter

"Ryan just kicked me in the balls."
"Which one, Jose or Cuervo?"

-Stick & Ritter

"If you had a computer, you would download and watch porn. You wouldn't need that stupid game."

-Jim

"Nothing, I just drew a really big penis."

-Laura

"Why don't we just put up some blue tarp?"

-Kentuck

"That's the only thing I made you do twice today that wasn't my fault."

-Stick

"That girl. She puts out."

-Snodgrass

"I like the change of scenery."
"There's a lot of nice scenery around here."

-Snodgrass & Aaron

"All men are gay. All women are taken. And I'm busy."

-Margaret

"I figure I change my pants everytime we start a new show."

-Kristin

"This is what the Romans did to the Greeks; they put choclate chips in their theatre."

-B. Shaw

"Wait, I just peed and I didn't wash my hands and I licked my finger."

-Kentuck

"After it was over I was like, 'I love that kid. He just broke up with me.'"

-Monica

"It sounds like a lot when you say it like that."
"Yeah, it does. But in your mouth it doesn't feel so big."

-Stick & Chris

"You guys ever notice that no matter how low you turn down the volume on your TV porn is always really really loud when you first turn it on."

-Ritter

"He will be like 'what the fuck' and I'll be like 'my god you have no right to be mad at me, its Josh.' And then he will realize his faillings as a man and beg my forgiveness."

-Monica

"Like I don't worry about people fighting in a field next to my appartment, but, on the other hand, there isn't a field next to my appartment."

-Kentuck

"Jacob, how do you fit all of that into your mouth?"
"Squish and shove, baby, squish and shove."

-Kristin & Snodgrass

"One of my girlfriends had to have hip replacement, but that didn't have anything to do with cancer."

-Stick

"And I sorta kinda had sex with her once."

-Stick

"Is today the twenty third? Do you know what that means?"
"What?"
"Today is the day that I do your mom!"

-Kirstin & Stick

"I could do with fewer miracles and more sleep."

-Margaret

"If you're going to be using paper towels, then why the hell are you wearing pants?"

-Ritter

"You're hired."
"Yay! Does this job involve dental?"
"Like if you screw up we kick you in the teeth?"

-Margaret & Stick

"He could give it away. Charities or something."
"That might start a revolution or something."

-Stick & B. Shaw

"You can make jokes about terrorism. Terrorism is funny."

-B. Shaw

"I've got two tickets to paradise."
"Are they ribbed?"

-Kristin & Stick

"That's one of those things where an object at rest tends to stay at rest until it's hit by a motherfuckerin' Lincoln goin' seventy five miles an hour."

-Snodgrass

"I'm thinking I'm not going to put my glasses on today. Do I really want to see these people? I think the answer is no."

-Kristin

"I just don't fit in there."
"Why not?"
"I don't want to talk about my bad art."

-Kristin & Stick

"Sure, that'd be great. I have about fifteen questions, none of which I think would be approprate to ask right now."
"Will you sleep with me?"

-Stick & Kentuck

"Josh, don't make her bleed."

-Kristin

"'Cause I've realized this when I'm drunk. See, I've peed a lot in my life. If you think about something else there's this peeing instict that kicks in. Then you can just do it."

-Stick

"I'm ruining the fucking neighborhood."

-Kristin

"Just don't come in the kitchen. The pizza is fine, it just has a fucking hole in the fucking center."

-Kristin

"I got the d20 shakes."

-Ritter

"Have you guys seen the out takes for Men in Black II?

-Margaret

"Could you lick my balls hard?"
"Would you like that?"
"Yeah. Actually."
"Then no."

-Stick & Kristin

"You should look for alternative smooching oppertunities."
"What?"
"Josh wants to make out with you."

-Stick & Emily & Jennifer K

"You've been to Willy's, right?"
"Yeah."
"So let's say his mom is ... watching soaps. Willy is ... smoking a bowl. And the phone rings ... What do you think happens? ... Not a goddamned thing."

-PhiLeR & Stick