"It's okay. I know you're not a sweet person."

-Margaret

"When I had the ass sores I still went."

-Stick

"I don't know what to do about this bench here. I was thinking about using a triangle."
"So you can stick it up your bung hole?"

-Stick & Kristin

"This is snow war shit. I remember this."

-Chris

"Where I come from it's a sign of affection."
"Where is that? The fourth grade?"

-Stick & Kristin

"That's good shit, d00d. They use that in kindergarden."

-Kristin

"These are the suggestions from the American Spelling and Grammer Dictionary. The sentence as written is "Where the fuck are we?" The first suggestion is "Where the fuck is we?" and the second is "Where the fucks are we?" But for sure the way I have it isn't right."

-Kristin

"You get more emotional phone calls than the average girl I know. You should really rethink this fucking people you know thing."

-Ryan

"Josh. Are you drunk?"
"Um ... yeah?"
"Bullshit. No blow job for you."
"What! I want a blow job!"

-Aaron, Stick, Aaron & Ryan

"There's a lot of porn on my desktop."
"Don't look at me, I haven't touched your computer."
"No, it's my porn, there's just a lot of it."

-Aaron & Chris

"Did you say you put all the style in my pants?"

-Kristin

"That's why I love you. But I signed a paper that said I can't bang you."

-Ryan

"Josh, you want to come in here and hit my girlfriend?"
"Yes I would, very much. Hold her."

-Chris (Kentuck's roommate) & Kentuck

"I should get me a new bra."
"I don't think they make concave bras."

-Stick & Molly

"Josh, I took a nap in your bed today."
"And I took a crap your bed today."

-Kristina & Molly

"Hey Josh...I was wondering if you could light my show this weekend."

-Molly

"You still download music?"
"No, of course not, that's against the law."

-Stick & Chris

"Just chug it like a real man."

-Marie Emily

"I think you should imply that you're not a failure by taking nude pictures of yourself and sending them over the internet."

-Stick

"Good job. Dick."

-Chris

"You don't know what it's like to be a man."
"Whatever. You don't ether."

-Stick & Laura

"The last time she was cranky with me I had anally raped her mother and poured sugar in her gas tank."
"My mother's doing a lot better now, thanks for asking."

-Stick & Rachel K

"I came back to run the show the next day. All doped up on vicidan."
"Yeah, but you're shit crazy."

-Stick & Molly

"My parents really lucked out. They bought a bed that is worth like one thousand dollars and they only paid like two grand."

-Anusha

"Does this thing answer calls?"
"Oh yeah."

-Stick & Chris

"I don't mind it so much. It pulls out. Which is more than I can say for myself."

-Stick

"Good morning, Josh Weckesser. This is your nemesis: Brian Shaw."

-B. Shaw

"I don't need your education. Learning is for people with weak bodies."

-Ryan

"What am I doing wasting my time in the theatre? I could be opressing people."

-Stick

"I'm going to come over here and look at the sound board, pretend I know what I'm looking at."
"This is the lighting board."

-Frank & Stick

"Are we going to run the show again?"
"I don't know, we're going to have to check with Matt."

-Chris Hill & Kevin

"I just got down on my knees and pulled down your zipper and you didn't even flinch. What do you do in those lighting classes?"

-Ginsberg

"Stick, you had some titties in your face."
"That I did."
"And it was my doing ... But not my titties."

-Seth, Stick & Bigtoe

"You better call me back ASAP or I'm going to come up there and kick your scrawny butt. *grumble* And Kelly says hi."

-Zod

"You're not fun anymore."
"I was never fun, you were just drunk."

-Kristin & Stick

"There's a nice raciest restaurant right over there. We can go in and be marginalized if you're interested."

-Stick

"Josh, don't date my wife."

-BigToe

"That'll be great. We can have a foresome."
"I don't know about that. But you can stick your finger up my butt."

-Stick & BigToe

"Excuse me, we're looking for a locally owned and opperated restaurant."
"Like?"
"Like not a chain."
"Well there's this steakhouse down that way. Head south on the Belt. Around the McDonnalds, near the Wal-Mart, take a right after the Taco Bell."

-Stick & Hollywood Video Attendant

"So long as you lick it afterwards."
"Oh yeah. I was going to do that anyway."
"The pen. Not my ass."

-Kristin & Stick

"Alright kid, I'm drunk and I'm on vacation. I'm going to hit you with this."

-Stick

"The sun rises in the East, right?"

-Stick

"I look like I've been riding a horse for two days."
"No, it was just an hour."

-Kristin & Stick

"Look, I have my packet. You can do whatever you want with your packet."

-Stick

"Yeah, that really says balls. Balls right there."

-BigToe

"I'm really glad that you guys are my friends ... Okay, I have to go now. I'll see you soon."

-Brad

"No, you've gotta keep that close by because Steve doesn't swallow."

-KP Kickin' it Old Skool

"So you're a virgin?"
"Yeah."
"Okay, you told me this a year ago. I'm just checking in."

-Bigtoe & Erin

"A good date will sit on your face."

-KP Kickin' it Old Skool

"Dan's our degisignated driver. That mean's he's also the guy your parents warned you about."
"That was you? My mom always told me he was black."

-KP & Erin

"Just grab them by the ears and train them."

-KP Kickin' it Old Skool

"I feel more obliged to beat someone with it than to stick it in my kooch."

-Katie Sebald

"Fabreeze dose not remove spooge."

-Katie Sebald

"What is behind this door?"
"Your destiny."

-Stick & Katie Sebald

"Kellie doesn't masturbate."
"Except by request."
"Go. Do it now."

-Stick & KP & Katie Sebald

"I'd like to take this moment to tell you that you're out of TP and I'd like to apologize for the cotton balls I just soiled."

-Katie Sebald

"He's drunk. He's getting philosophical."
"Fuck."

-Julie Fisher & KP

"I don't like boys shorter than me because most boys shorter than me are tweleve."

-Katie Sebald

"I've never depraved myself to the point of depression."
"Like Lent?"

-Julie Fisher & KP

"How long would that have continued with you hurting me over and over?"
"Until you have AIDS?"

-Stick & Erin

"My breasts are nice. I love you guys."

-Monica

"I think maybe I'm destined to be at one with your cock."

-Monica

"Oh Katie, you would totally let me do you if I was a man."

-Monica

"Have you seen my kooter tat?"

-Monica

"What? Cuntalinguist?"

-Rosie

"Can we drive to Wisconsin?"

-Epperson

"You're going to have to finish that d00d. Because if you fall asleep with it in your hand you're going to wake up on top of it."
"And you're not going to know what happened and you'll ruin your relationship with that taco forever."

-Stick & Jason

"Petey Radamacher. Two hundered dollars."
"That's a good price."
"That's the whole evening."

-Stick, Rachel & Petey

"You've turned me into a drunken whore."
"I think that's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me."

-Jen (hot) & Stick

"How do you fuck on that thing?"
"The same way I fuck anywhere else. I whip it out, I stick it in."

-Zod & Stick

"This fell off. My dick ... fell off... I need to sew that back on."

-Stick

"No, I didn't suck your dick that time."

-Brad

"How many dead babies would fit in the back of a jeep? Seven."
"I think a lot more would fit."

-Dave & Laura

"Oh, I stink. Jesus Christ!"

-Kristin

"I accidently peed on the bed the other night when I was drunk."
"You don't accidently pee on the bed."

-Stick & Zod

"Well yes, in theory that's great. So is color theory."

-Margaret

"I'm going to pick up a pack of sailors."
"That's not all you'll be picking up."

-Stick & Margaret

"Why is there a piece of electrical tape on my bed?"

-Zod

"I can't say that I've ever had tiger balm on my balls."
"You're about to."

-Snodgras & Zod

"Boozer is not an addiction. Boozer is a life style."

-Zod

"I think I'm up to date on my Josh lore. Blah, blah, blah. I fell off a scaffolding. Blah, blah, blah."

-Kristin

"First I have to scrub up my buff puff pad."

-Zod

"Like maybe a constitution."

-Margaret

"I've got physical therapy at eight in the morning."
"What about disco therapy?"

-Margaret & Zod

"I'm so glad you don't have a longer penis, or this would be more difficult."

-Kristin

"In the absence of truth I believe Josh."

-K.P. Kickin' it Old Skool

"It has to hurt pretty bad for me to remember what happened."

-Kristin

"d00d, your never alone when you have the Captain to keep ya company."

-Jason

"I'll have another Jameson."
"Thank you, CJ."
"The Jameson is for me."

-CJ & Stick

"I'm out like the phat kid in dodgeball."

-Lazarus

"I'm going to sit on your lap."
"I'd really rather you didn't."

-Zod & PhiLeR