"I know, and it's dry. And your lips get all cracked. And you never know when you're going to want to make out with somebody. That's how I feel."

-Emily Jane

"Cock's a lot like cereal, a twenty four hour food."

-PhiLeR

"What is this, a family of lesbians?"
"No, that happens sometimes, they don't have to be kin."
"So they're lesbians?"
"Yes, Josh, all women are lesbians."

-Stick & Zod

"Capable of making your own decisions, even though you never do."

-Zod

"I almost got pegged the other night."
"Pegged?"
"That's when she straps it on."
"Oh. I don't think you can do that in the army."

-Stick & Buckles

"Yeah, but sending them by post doesn't get me laid."

-Zod

"I wear the pants in this relationship. I'll open the beers."

-Stick

"That's stupid."
"What?"
"Lights."

-Jibber & Stick

"You think you're surprised, imagine how my father felt."

-Brad

"Confidence. Not competence."

-Zod

"Chuck Norris is real, man. Realer than Brad Norris."

-Zod

"Why is it that my favorite window is the one with the worst view?"
"I don't know. But I think it's a pretty appropriate metaphor for your life."

-Jibber & Stick

"Ladies first."
"I knew this vagina would come in handy one of these days."

-Zod & Stick

"I'm so hungover Josh... you'd probably be real proud..."

-Jen (hot)

"What do you go goin' on over here? You got some technology goin' on over here?"

-K Dano

"I haven't seen a lot of bugs with that haircut."

-Margaret

"City morgue, you stab 'em, we bag 'em."

-Brad

"What'cha got, sea pig?"

-Brad

"They salted this more than Troy."

-Stick

"What time you gotta get up?"
"Four."
"Really?"
"No."
"You are so full of shit all the time."

-Laura & Stick

"I've never had so many strangers hate me before! Wow! Is this what it's like to be you?"

-K.P. Kickin' it Old Skool

"Mountain Mildew."

-Stick

"I was thinking that..."
"I could masturbate you with my vaginia?"

-Stick & Monica

"I am holding onto my life right now."
"Monica, I hate to tell you this, but I'm the one doing all the holding right now."

-Monica & Stick

"Sandy's just really uptight about not burning out bulbs by putting too much electricity in them at once."

-Jen (hot)

"Mother fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Balls."
"Yeah, is that a fact?"

-Stick & Jibber

"So I'm thinking about opening up Kay's mix tape with 'Bitch, I fucked your boyfriend.'"
"Brilliant. It's a good thing that there's no song, 'Bitch, I fucked your girlfriend' because you could put it on everyone's mix tape."
"Hey, I just have a healthy adult male sexual appetite. And, unlike other Americans, I'm not ashamed of it."
"What you've got is a healthy adult male case of herpes."

-Stick & Jibber

"Are you standing next to Margaret right now? Because if you are hang up and call me when you aren't."

-Stick

"You're so cultured sometimes."
"I say that you don't want to eat at that place. I said I don't want to eat at this place. How am I the asshole?"
"Because I hate the American place."

-Jibber & Stick

"That was a ... woah, what are flying dinosaurs?"

-Jibber

"I've gotta stop at my truck."
"You've got a lot of needs."
"There are knee pads in my truck."

-Stick & Jibber

"What, you want me to masturbate you with my vagina?"

-Monica

"Shockingly enough, there was pasta where Monica was sleeping."

-Katie

"This is my freshman year out of college."

-Katie

"Guys, I'm sorry. I should have said this before. But from the window to the wall. To the sweat dropped down my balls."
"Shit, now I'm going to have to do my window and wall stuff all over again."

-Stick & Emily Cooper

"I'm talking to you and your penis is in my ear."

-Sarah Drake

"She's sticking my wrench in her vagina!"

-Jen (hot)

"I just wanted to call and make sure you were going to bed. That you weren't out enjoying yourself."

-Anusha

"And you did all of this wearing pink panties?"
"Blue."
"That's good enough for my masturbation fantasies."
"Great. Have a good flight."

-Stick & Jibber

"Everyone is trying to save my soul today."

-Stick

"Yeah, my ass is always cold. My heart is set half an inch foward so it has trouble getting blood to the lunar region."

-Stick

"I don't know what that is, but I don't think I could digest it."
"I don't know how many times people have said that to me with my pants down."

-Jibber & Stick

"I just discovered the latest pic of your cock on my phone, you son of a bitch!"

-Monica

"26% - Telling the media first."
"That's what you did."

-Stick & Katie

"He's trying to tea bag me ... because I farted on him."

-Rachel

"I thnk he's flossing his teeth with the string he just pulled out of his sock."

-Laura

"I have a strap-on thats awaiting its first use... maybe you can bring your grandmother."

-Monica

"Should I resuse this bag? What's going on here?"
"Sure, that sounds like a chick thing to do."

-Stick & Zod

"If I was a guy, I would want to fuck this."

-Monica

"Oh my goodness, my boobs are out. Whatever."

-Monica

"So I can drink it after you're done? You know, get a little in a cup."
"Yes. Yes. Because there is a lot of alcohol in it."

-Stick & Monica

"It was the best thing I have ever done. And you are undoing it."
"That has a pretty good resemblance to our relationship."

-Stick & Jibber

"It's okay, I know you're not a sweet person."

-Margaret

"You guys got a hammer or a screw driver or something inside?"
"I've got a hammer."
"He's got a hammer. Oh good. 'Cause if I had a hammer ... I'd hammer in the morning..."

-Magician & Burlesque Roadie & Brad

"I told her this was going to take eleven hours."
"Could we get that check before hand? Because I think I could get this done in two."
"You could get this done in two hours?"
"If I was getting paid for eleven hours."

-Jacob & Petey

"Take a look at this insturment, as a lighting professional, do you see anything wrong with it?"
"Oh. Well you could just stick your penis in there. That should do the trick."

-Stick & Jibber

"Is this Margaret's bag? it's got some Old Spice and a tie. So I'm going to say no."
"That's my bag!"

-Jibber & Petey

"I like big crews."
"I like big butts."

-Stick & Jibber

"You'd be on the floor."
"Laughing?"

-Stick & Zod

"Just kidding once again, I'll see you in hell."

-PhiLeR

"Sometime you just gotta slap a bitch."

-Brita

"I've always wondered about really fat guys and skinny girls. Don't they just get the shit squished out of them?"

-Brita

"You know what you should do with that grand, Kellie? Buy a kidney."

-Stick

"I'd be a nice veggie sandwich with like razor blades and cigarette boxes. And alcohol."

-Monica

"Then we can see if he can carry on a conversation. It's all on you, d00d. I'm sorry, I'm on tranks."

-Monica

"I can swing by eariler if that's okay with you."
"Huh? Did you just call me a Jew?"

-Stick & Zod

"Look, I have an education."

-K.P. Kickin' it Old Skool

"Have you sent it yet?"
"No. Hold on. I'm trying to make you look like less of a retard."
"Oh yeah? How are you going to do that?"
"Microsoft: Unretard."

-Zod, Stick, Zod and K.P. Kickin' it Old Skool

"I remember this song much more harder and much less popier."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"The song hasn't changed, man. It's you."

-Zod & Stick

"I like to keep everything tight about me, except my-"
"Morals?"

-Ryan & Stick

"If I went to U-High I'd be your fag lover by now."

-Zod

"We might need to open some more rum to do that."
"That's fine with me."
"We're gonna get arrested."

-Stick & Zod & Brad

"Wait, what does this have to do with Laura being a whore?"

-Ryan

"I bet the attribute they have in common is that they're all fat."

-Ryan

"Go on, smell it. Smell that shit."

-Ryan

"Look man, I don't care when you get married, but I better be in the wedding party."
"Yeah man, you can have Chris' place."
"For seven hundered dollars."

-Ritter, Stick & Strahan

"I've been dry humping the American dream for so long, it's about damn time I took my pants off."

-Stick

"There's my other sandwich!"

-Zod

"In all fairness to you, I'm always drunk."

-Ritter

"And I love you, but I do not love your balls."

-Katie

"So, I think I pissed the bed last night."

-Monica

"Yeah, but pain doesn't drip onto my pants."

-Stick

"You would turn toast into steel."

-Petey

"My highlights for the night include possibly taking another shit, checking some emails and going to bed."

-Zod

"One. One clusterfuck. Ha ha ha.

-Petey

"Damn that Glassenhart's quick."

-Petey

"Oh you don't have to drink, Monica, you just have to lie there."

-Stick

"There are times when I'm doubting myself. I wonder, is this really me? I get drunk and find out."

-Monica

"When you say 'smack down' I think of the World Wrestling Federation."
"Exactly."

-Stick & Lyndsey

"Shit man, this is really strong."
"That's half as strong as the one I made for myself."
"That doesn't change the fact that it's really strong."
"You're right, I apologize for my worthless validation."

-Stick & Zod

"Man, I really should have peed while I was in there. I was just wiping the sweat off of my ass."

-Zod

"I'm in!"
"What?"
"I've hacked into my bank's mainframe."

-Petey & Stick

"Everyone's a sucker for a good animal abuse story."

-Petey

"Joshua, I've gotta take my drunk girlfriend home."

-Kentuck

"Get the monkey the fuck out of my face!"

-Ritter

"Aaron, how are you doing?"
"On a scale of one to ten I need a drink."

-Jason & Ritter

"It doesn't make me happy."
"You know you can move it back, right?"
"No, I'd rather be upset about it. I'm a Democrat now."

-Zod & Stick

"It's my organ farm, I'll reap as I see fit."
"Do no refer to your offspring as your organ farm."

-Zod & KP

"How many engeners have you had sex with?"

-Zod

"It's okay, because no one knows we live here."
"I know we live here."
"No one of importance."

-Zod & Stick

"It's okay, one time I rolled a one and I told you it was an eight."

-Zod

"Kellie is going to bed."
"Thank you. What are you, the narrator?"

-Kathy & KP

"I can't feel my benevolence for mankind."

-KP

"That's gross, Josh, that's gross."
"What? You don't believe in felatio?"
"Not for you."

-Kathy & Stick

"I was photo copying a document as old as I am."
"Well, have you ever been to an art musieum? All of that shit is older than you."
"Yeah, but this is still relevant."

-KP & Stick

"I forget what we're doing with this twenty six."
"We're uplighting Jesus."

-Stick & Margaret

"The CDs, I mean. Not the Navy."

-KP