"I can stay drunk for days."

-Lyndsey

"Do you need me to punch you in the stomach?"
"No thanks, I can do that myself."

-Stick & Lyndsey

"Hey Josh?"
"Hey what?"
"Fuck your face."

-Lyndsey & Stick

"That's a rad coat you've got there. Looks like an old couch."

-KO'D

"She's like, 'That bitch swallows? I'm swallowing.'"

-Monica

"Lesson one, always expect to get cut, especially when you're trying to be funny."

-Ritter

"When did you graduate from high school?"
2001."
"Wow, that's crazy, because I graduated in 2000."
"Well, I think it was 2001."

-Stick & Chelsea

"I never say more than 95% sure, I have to leave room for the natural 20."

-Swanson

"If you were my wallet, Jen, where would you be?"
"In your pants."

-Stick & Googles

"Yeah, but Alexander conquored the known world by the time he was twenty eight."
"Sure, but when he was twenty seven I bet he had a plan."

-Stick & Optimus B

"How were you going to make pancakes?"
"I have a pan?"

-Ritter & Optimus B

"Hope your ass is lubed."

-Optimus B

"I feel you knockin', but I can't come in."

-Ritter

"What the hell did I do to myself?"
"You were drinking for a week."

-Ritter & Jim

"It's hard to be cool when you're not drunk."

-Stick

"You know what? No one cares, they just want to make their dinner reservations."

-Tanko

"I didn't say anything like, 'You have terrible taste in men. You've made horrible life decisions.'"

-Stick

"So this Charles guy looks a lot like me."
"Well sure, except he was attractive."

-Stick & S. Winks

"My week was awesome. It was everything you hoped it would be."

-Monica

"Do I have a wet spot on my butt?"
"No. Would you like one?"

-Dani & Stick

"I can kind of feel your penis though my pants. Get away from me."

-Optimus B

"What is that?"
"It's pure love."

-Laura & Stick

"My plan is to get dressed sexy. Go out. Then ask some guy to stick it in."

-Monica

"Wait, Darrell's black?"
"You already signed your contact."

-Stick & Rachel

"You know that NPR, always trying to capitalize on the Klan."

-Peaty

"What's this guy? Rim Job O'Toole?"

-Julian

"See, Josh has a little thing and he'll give it to anybody that'll take it."

-Optimus B

"I'm pretty liberal about things, but that's fuckin' weird."

-Kentuck

"Standby Rail Cue J."
"Lights."

-Kristin & Stick

"I have a show tonight and I'm kinda bitter about it."

-Phil

"Hey, do you like my shirt? It's from Neffer-gonna-pay-me."

-Tanko

"If you trust yourself, then bring it back. If you don't trust yourself then I guess you'll have to trust us."

-Stick

"I forgot his name alreday."
"Mike?"
"No."
"He runs audio. He's here everyday."
"Fuck you."

-Matt & Stick

"We were talking about fingers in buttholes."
"I don't do it."

-Stick & Matt

"I'm writing a book."
"Porn? Did you say porn?"
"No, it's about lighting."
"I don't want to read it, Peaty. If it's not about boobies then I don't want to read it."
"I'll read it to you."
"Okay, that'd be great."

-Peaty & Stick

"What would you do? I have a chance to make tweleve dollars an hour or make out."

-Chelsea

"Don't move your foot, the cat will claw it."
"I'm not moving my foot. I'm moving your foot."
"Ouch! You son of a bitch!"

-Kristin & Stick