"There's no way she's not pregnant. I came all over that thing."

-Optimus B

"Man, I'm hung over ... God, I hate this job."

-Ritter

"Josh, I don't want to lose your love tonight."
"He just wants to use it and mop up."

-Optimus B & Laura

"When are you going to Pittsburgh?"
"Tomorrow."
"Really?"
"No."

-Laura & Stick

"How about a nice, old fashioned threesome?"
"Yeah, that's better."

-Stick & Laura

"You're not thinking so much as talking."

-Peaty

"Who is the Flash's arch enemy?"
"Zoom."

-Stick & Optimus B

"I want to put off today until tomorrow."

-Stick

"How were those Catholic girls?"
"Faster than I expected."

-Optimus B & Stick

"Now I'm sorry I just got you a black eye for your birthday. But you just kept talkin' back."
"Seemed like what you wanted."

-Stick & Optimus B

"What? Are we fruiting the beer now?"

-Optimus B

"You say that you are socially liberal and fiscally conservative, but what you mean is that you sleep around and are cheap."

-K.P. Kickin' it Old Skool

"Wait, first off, do you have health insurance?"
"Kind of."
"What do you mean by kind of?"
"I had stopped drinking for a month."
"That's not health insurance, that's a life-style change!"

-Stick & Justin

"Food and sex. Where does the self actualization come into that?"
"I don't know, you've gotta do situps or something for that."

-Optimus B & Stick

"What was that?"
"Zombies."
"... Oh shit!"

-Jim & Stick

"We tried to do that downtown once. It was like watching two retards trying to hump a door knob."

-Jim

"Look, if I wanted to hear annoying, repetitive music I'd go see a modern dance concert."

-Stick

"You are the worst zombie I ever did."

-Zac